Category: Joke Board
George Carlin's New Rules For 2008
Yes Becky I know it's a list, so enjoy it.
New Rule #1 : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com
! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #4 : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is c alled a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing ' Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates
to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The
Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and e at two.
New Rule #11 : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for wed dings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And
I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #13 : If yo u ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
LOL! These are good. I'll be sending this to a few people. thanks.
George Carlin did not write that, because the tone and style of the writing are different than he usually does. Some of the centiments are certainly things he'd talk about, but taking a look on his website, it's not there, and he says right there on his own site that if it's not there, he didn't write it. So if this does get passed around, please don't put Carlin's name on it?
Damn, I never thought I'd have to fight about who actually said it. It's just a joke for christsake.
A simple "I don't believe Carlan said this" would do.
Bob
I recall this actually being posted lastyear around this time, with the same name, and the same content. Bill Maher does "New Rules", just so that we have that cleared up. I didn't know George Carlin had a website where he had a blog or anything like that, that's definatly something worth looking in to.